I have been really bad at love. I’ve had my own ideas and parameters for what I thought real love was and I’ve committed, diligently, to adhere to an everchanging code that was rooted in falsehoods and fear. Love is not my list. Love is not found in a conversation or analysis about how you get along with another, make it work well or how you ‘fit’. Love is an energy and it has nothing to do with any of that. To even give it words, seems grossly unfitting and false. Love is none of the things I thought it was and infinitely more, beyond those mortal ideas.
The saying, ‘Love will conquer all’ is only true based on the meaning of ‘Love’, as known by the observer or reader. The meaning of Love determines the truth in that phrase.
Divine, sacred, universal Love that is rippling through the cosmos and all beings, at all times (until it gets blocked somehow), will conquer and heal all. The mental models of love created by humans will conquer nothing. They will only produce suffering, pain, and separation.
I am stunned to see how clouded my perception of love was. I am elated to see the truth of what it means because this is where life begins...
I have woken up to the realization that I was loving from conditions and mental models, ideas about what love was and how to best harness it. That was a thinking, analyzing game, an exercise in gymnastics of the mind that produced the grandest distraction from what I was seeking to understand but deeper down, wanting to know. Love is not understood, it is known.
All the energetic blocks within me – the fears, pain and misperceptions collected and stored mentally and emotionally from my life journey - were consistently bolstered by my seeking to understand love from the Mind, without going deeper into the emotional realm of the heart and even deeper, into the Soul.
I felt a lot of pain in that tender heart (particularly as a little girl) and I did not even consciously know how much my protective mechanisms were at work (even after so much personal work), doing everything possible to keep me away from the emotional pain held in there. My Mind knew that if it could distract me and keep it locked down, I would not have to feel that much pain or separation from Love again. I do this exact work with my clients and I do it very well because I can understand their suffering, that pain, without any judgment, and help them release it and free themselves from old energetic wounds. I can provide enough safety to help them go there and I’ve done it with pure love, presence and surrendering to the power I know Love can have in transforming their lives.
But my personal energetic wounds were on lock down, unbeknownst to me, someone who works with this exact thing every day. The old wounds I had in my heart could not cut loose, I couldn’t even touch them or know they existed, until I went into the emotional heart pain and loved them into dissolution, in the same devoted way I do with my clients.
Why did this happen now and what woke me up to the discovery of my own, unearthed heart blocks? I am not entirely sure but I sense it’s the perfect culmination of awakening to the love I’ve had and witnessing it from a place of clear perception, feeling the loss of that love, a life that has continually opened up to more truth, forgiveness and joy, along with a singular desire to know my True Self and to know true Love. Whatever force brought me to this point, I trust and completely surrender to it. I needed to be done with the old me to find the courage to step into my own inner world and wake up to Love.
I have sat with one block at a time, one heart break at a time, and relaxed into and released each one. I have done countless and will continue, for as long as I live, or until there are none left. Every single heart obstruction that I have released has led me here, to return to the love that was simply interrupted in its natural flow, as the energy that just wants to move and flow within and through me, and can see the perfection of everything and everyone.
It is dead simple and the most natural state of existence.
It’s dead simple because I believe we have to die to know it. Let the old, lower self and past perceptions die to be born to the beautiful truth that exists and flows up from within all of us. No resistance, no fear, no need to figure any thing out. Just Love.
If we are the manifestation of love and that is the true essence of who we are, then we can only know love, not understand it with our Mind.
I am in Love. The physical person is not here for that expression of romantic love, but I am in Love. I am experiencing the energy and essence of what I know Love is, for the first time in my life. It has taken decades and heaps of questions and searching and relationships and fear, all with an ever-present sense that I would eventually arrive to know what I felt was yet to be discovered in me and was a worthy journey, no matter how much courage and falling down it would take.
I used to read this phrase and I understood it but up until now, I didn’t know it as I do now. I am Love.
This is my second birthday – April 11th, 2021 – when I woke up to the most brilliant day imaginable and what feels like the beginning of the life I came here to live. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have lost great love because of this unknowing and I have gained the universe because this loss awakened me to the truth. Thank you, I AM Love, and I Love You.
Sara Jessica Laamanen